coleymick

The Definitive List Of Celtics Trade Rumors

Posted on July 14, 2016 by coleymick

As I painstakingly wait to be seen in the Emergency Room for a litany of ailments, I figured I’d burn some time to break down the flurry of rumors currently surrounding the Boston Celtics.

According to sources ranging from highly regarded writers like Howard Beck, to little 86 follower motherfuckers on Twitter, the Celtics are on the precipice of completing mutliple major trades that will surely reshape the landscape of the NBA now and forever.

Are any of these trades going to happen? Lol, of course not. If you’ve been following the NBA at all over the past decade then you should know by now that the best way to garner page views, podcast listens and retweets is to conjure up the most wild trade rumor you can possibly fathom and then attach Danny Ainge’s name to it.

According to the internet (and only the internet), Danny Ainge has been mere seconds away from acquiring: James Harden, Kevin Love, DeMarcus Cousins, Chris Paul, Jimmy Butler, Justise Winslow, Jahlil Okafor, Nerlens Noel, Anthony Davis, Russell Westbrook, Paul George, Blake Griffin, Greg Monroe, Khris Middleton, Jabari Parker, Steph Curry and Danilo Gallinari over the past four years alone. Don’t even get me started on the Allen Iverson trade rumors of the mid-2000s. You want page views? Throw Trade Danny and his treasure trove of assets in the mix and you’re sure to be an NBA Insider by the end of the hour.

Somehow not a single one of these rumors has come to fruition. It must be Ainge’s stubbornness. He often gets blamed for “over-valuing his assets” or “getting trigger shy at the last second” so that these chucklefucks can keep up their guise as insiders as opposed to admitting they were making shit up all along, thereby losing their audience’s trust forever. You can’t have that, so might as well blame the guy who would get fined by the NBA for even addressing this garbage.

It’s brilliant in a way. A nearly victimless crime, unless you’re Jaylen Brown – a promising 19-year old who fulfilled his dream by being selected third overall in the NBA Draft, only to be welcomed by a cacophony of boos by Celtics fans because his name wasn’t Jimmy Butler (a player NBA writers had led gullible Celtics fans to believe was minutes away from moving from Chicago to Boston for the low price of Kris Dunn and spare parts.)

In the past 24-hours, Russell Westbrook and Blake Griffin have had their images photoshopped into Celtics jerseys from sites as large as Bleacher Report to those little 26-follower accounts who don’t require more than the slightest nudge to buy into the hype machine.

On the surface these trades are semi-logical. The Celtics do have assets, both players are in less-than-desirable situations with expiring contracts, and the East is hypothetically “for the taking.” Why wouldn’t Ainge make these moves? Why not trade his bad players and useless assets for top 10 players? What is he, an idiot? Make the moves already, Danny!

Except, Ainge hasn’t had even the most preliminary of discussions about acquiring these players, at least according to Steve Bulpett of the Boston Herald.

Could the Celtics trade for Griffin, or Westbrook, or Cousins, or some other great player? For sure. If he doesn’t? Oh well. As currently constructed the Celtics are just as strong a bet as anyone to make the Eastern Conference Finals and lose to the Cavaliers. Maybe LeBron gets hit by a truck as he haphazardly crosses the street and all of a sudden they find themselves in the Finals where they can lose to the Warriors, which would also be dope, especially considering this team is three seasons removed from winning 25 games or whatever embarrassing number it was.

There are 29 other GMs in the NBA who would kill to be in Ainge’s position. A young, competitive core that can actually go out and attempt to win games while another incompetent franchise tanks on their behalf. Why people believe the Celtics need to make desperation moves this summer is beyond my grasp of comprehension. They just drafted a 19-year old who, a year ago, was regarded by most as the second best high school prospect in the country.

Sure, they signed Al Horford, a move that makes them better in the here and now more so than five years from now. That’s if you want to look at it in a vaccuum. Outside of that vaccuum, Horford was the first major free agent to elect under his own volition to sign in Boston in my 26+ years of living. With the next two Drafts exponentially stronger than this past class, and the next two summers of free agency considerably deeper than this current one, Ainge has now shown the ability to acquire top level talent outside of a trade. The Celtics are in a better position to outright sign Blake Griffin or Russell Westbrook next summer now than they were two weeks ago. They, FOR SURE, wont be as inclined to commit to an organization that is constantly amidst roster turnover (looking at you, Orlando).

If Ainge can acquire a top flight player before they hit free agency, he should, and he would. There’s been no legitimate history of Ainge being too scared to make a deal, why he would change now is another line of logic that beyond comprehension.

And as always, if it doesn’t come from Woj, don’t pay it any mind. That’s the mantra the rest of the summer, for the rest of the season, and for the rest of eternity.

For Isaiah Thomas: There’s Only One Recruiting Pitch That Will Work On Kevin Durant

Posted on June 6, 2016 by coleymick

“I definitely want to give him some time,” Thomas said. “I know that was a tough series and a long season for him. I wouldn’t want anyone calling me up about the biggest decision of my life right after the season’s over. So I’ll probably give him some time and casually talk to him, and then go all-in.”

What would going “all-in” entail?

“I mean, do everything I can to get him to sign, somehow, someway, hopefully,” Thomas said.

Kevin Durant isn’t signing with the Boston Celtics this summer. I have no idea why he’d want to leave a team that beat the Warriors three more times than LeBron’s going to to make substantially less money, but that’s neither here not there. Isaiah’s going to give it a shot, over the phone – instead of at the Olympics where both Serge Ibaka and Westbrook will be, with Durant. Isaiah’s been told no plenty of times in his life en route to his now burgeoning NBA stardom, so I’m not going to tell him not to pitch Durant. Especially since, like, I don’t know him personally, don’t have his phone number, things of that nature.

Anyway, Isaiah’s got a tall task ahead of him. He has to sell Durant on signing in Boston – a place where Isaiah himself refused to sign just two summers ago. He has to explain why taking less money on multiple one-year deals is worth moving to a city he has no ties to, unless you’d like to reach back and remember Danny Ainge being fined for getting too close with the Durant family during his season at Texas. All of this seems like a lot of work with the dimmest light at the end of the tunnel, so what exactly can he say to get Durant to Boston?

Good old fashioned threats of physical violence.

Look, I have no idea why you’d befriend someone like Mayweather if you’re NOT going to use him for exactly this. I don’t recall any time where Money has done Isaiah some huge favor outside of the occasional superfluous birthday gift, but those don’t count. The ace up Zeke’s sleeve here is being chums with one of the biggest assholes on the planet. Even if he doesn’t want to go to the extreme of threatening him, have Floyd pay Durant off the books for the money he’d be losing out on should he leave OKC. There’s no way anyone would ever find out about that, and if they do? You threaten them with physical violence and/or pay them off. Do you see the cycle? Notice the flawlessness of said cycle? Someone print this out and fax it to David Stern so he can see that the NBA he created is alive and well.

The Top 5 Most Humble Players In The NBA

Posted on May 31, 2016 by coleymick

Last night, much like the rest of the nights, folks were #MadOnline after the completion of the Western Conference Finals. There was much debate over whether or not Steph Curry is humble enough. Months ago I wrote that I was shocked that he hadn’t been punched in the face due to his lack of humility and, to no surprise, he has still yet to be socked in the mouth. Perhaps it’s because he has Draymond Green at his back, ever-ready to kick someone in the twig and berries, but that’s besides the point.

The NBA, along with the NCAA, NFL, MLB, NHL, and whatever the lacrosse and soccer leagues are called, are laden with pompous, self-entitled asshats who could learn a thing or two about being humble. But we’re talking about the NBA right now – and after thousands of hours of research, I have compiled the definitive list of humble role models all children should aspire to be.

5. Russell Westbrook

I’ve seen no evidence to suggest that Russell Westbrook couldn’t dunk on his opposition every possession of every game he’s ever played. The fact that he hoists threes with a reckless abandon and continues to pass the ball to his cursed teammate is clearly an attempt to keep the games interesting and competitive for the sake of the fans. Also, Russell Westbrook plays at least 82 televised games a year and we see him dance for approximate 41 whole minutes. If that. Meanwhile you have showboats like Odell Beckham who, despite only playing in 16 games, video tapes himself dancing for hours and hours every week. Westbrook’s incredible restraint on both the basketball court and dance floor is all the evidence I need to anoint him one of the most humble humans in the Association.

4. Evan Fournier

Most pro athletes can’t get enough of reading about themselves. Searching their name on Twitter, passive aggressively favoriting negative tweets about themselves, all sorts of non-humble acts being perpetrated on the internet every single day by these conceited jackasses. But that’s just not the case for Evan Fournier. I’m sure some of you don’t even know whom Evan Fournier even is. That’s because he’s manipulated Google’s SEO so that he doesn’t even show up if you search his name. Go ahead. Google Fournier. I’ll wait.

Now that you’ve bleached your eyes, you see why Fournier’s made this list. Guy is as humble as they come.

3. Joel Embiid

The consensus “highest ceiling” player of the 2014 Draft is so humble he refuses to even play in the NBA in fear of shaming his opponents. He doesn’t even train in these United States in order to protect the feelings and psyches of his potential opposition. He eats candy constantly so that he can put a governor on his ceiling, for it wouldn’t be fair if he ever reached the pinnacle of his personal athletic prowess. You know what Joel Embiid’s humbleness got his team? Ben Simmons. Few humans in the history of the sport have curbed their ego so effectively for the benefit of their millionaire owners. A shirley temple cheers to you, sir.

2. Zach Randolph

Enough said.

1. JR Smith

“What? JR Smith? THE JR Smith?! Is this kid drunk, high or incapacitated in some other fashion? What kind of an idiot thinks JR Smith is the epitome of humble?”

This kind of idiot, that’s who. Look, JR Smith had sex with Rihanna. He never said he had sex with Rihanna, Rihanna never said she had sex with JR Smith, and yet the entire world’s population knows for a fact that JR Smith has hand delivered the pipe to Queen of Barbados. If I had sex with Rihanna I wouldn’t talk about anything else ever again in my life. In fact my life might not last much longer since I assume she’d murder me post-copulation like the black widow spider that she is (for the record in case you’re reading this I’m more than ok with you killing me, Rih.) In the off chance that I survived I’d tattoo it on my fucking forehead. I’d go as far to invent gif tattoos so that the entire two second scene could live on for eternity, giving myself a reason to finally smile when I look in a mirror.

But JR? Just another day. Didn’t feel the need to confirm or deny because it’s nobody’s business – not even JR’s.

Making A Shit Sandwich Into A Shit Soufflé

Posted on May 18, 2016 by coleymick

Hi I’m Chef Mick and welcome to this week’s episode of cooking with shit. Today we were given a hot shit sammich sent to us by the Ghost of David Stern and his sous-chef Dikembe Mutombo. Also a special thanks to pingpong balls for being ruthless pricks and not giving a fuck about you and your feelings.

The Celtics aren’t in a place to stay stagnant. While this regular season was enjoyable it ended with the first playoff win for the Hawks in Boston in my entire life. Granted, Avery Bradley got hurt in Game One and Jae Crowder was nowhere near 100% but losing to the Hawks is like losing to the Knicks. It’s unacceptable and I’m ready for it end immediately.

I’m of the belief that Brandon Ingram and Ben Simmons will be fine pros. I also believe neither the Sixers nor the Lakers are going to jump from the basement of the league to the playoffs due to their rookie campaigns. These guys are like 1/10th as NBA ready as Karl-Anthony Towns, Jr. and even he was sitting at the lottery with the rest of those terrible teams. The idea of acquiring one of these guys wasn’t to put the Celtics over the top in 2017, but rather to make them title contenders from 2019-2025. Which is still very much the plan for the remaining Nets picks, but we’ll get to that later.

The plan for this season is to get out of the first fucking round of the playoffs. This isn’t the time to stay stagnant. There are ways to improve the roster using the third overall pick and the 16th pick, courtesy of the Mavs, without actually drafting anyone in those positions.

This Draft stinks. It’s worse than the 2013 Draft because that Draft, even at the time, was known to have solid rotational players scattered throughout the first round. This year there are two perceived knowns, a couple of guys who could be solid starters for a long time and then a bunch of lottery tickets. The Celtics have three first round picks and I don’t imagine Ainge plans on using more than one of them come Draft night. Mostly because the roster doesn’t have space, but also mostly because the class stinks.

That’s the shit sandwich.

Luckily, the Knicks have a picnic basket overflowing with shit sammies and I plan on taking advantage of them. Now, this idea isn’t new – it’s just the first time it’s made sense from either team’s perspective. The Knicks don’t have a first round pick this year. I’ll give you a minute to collect yourself because I assume you’re in a state of shock. This Draft isn’t tremendous – from a Celtics fan’s point of view. However, the Knicks could benefit from adding a variety of players sitting behind Simmons and Ingram.

The Knicks have their franchise player in Kristaps Porzingis and they, believe it or not, have their first round pick in 2017. The 2017 Draft is loaded and the Knicks should do everything in their power to tank around Porzingis and look to pair him with a top five pick next season. That will be much easier to accomplish without Carmelo Anthony winning them an additional 10 games. Kris Dunn could be the D’Angelo Russell Knicks fans lusted for last year. Maybe Dragan Bender and Kristaps Porzingis are meant to be the European Twin Towers of the new millennium.

To make it work financially the Knicks would have to take on Amir Johnson and Jonas Jerebko, both of which can immediately be cut since Ainge signed them to contracts with team options built into them. Trade machine is telling me the Celtics had to add more money so James Young and RJ Hunter, best of luck. The Celtics add Melo and they don’t need him to play defense literally ever. He’s here to score. To say the Celtics need scoring is a massive understatement. They put up SEVEN points in a real life NBA playoff quarter of professional basketball. SEVEN.

Obviously Jimmy Butler is better than Carmelo Anthony today and moving forward. If Chicago wants the third pick for Jimmy Butler, that’s the trade you make. I can’t imagine why Chicago would want to do that which is why I’m focused on Carmelo. Chicago’s a year away from getting rid of Derrick Rose’s contract, and as inept of an organization they are I just don’t see them giving away Jimmy Buckets for a questionable at best third overall pick.

Melo’s contract doesn’t bother me since we’re not signing Kevin Durant. We were never signing Kevin Durant in the first place but the fact that the Thunder currently have the series lead over the Warriors in the WCF should put to rest the already ridiculous thought that he was ever bolting OKC for Boston We’re also not signing Al Horford – I think we had a chance until the Boston media thought it was a good idea to run 1,000 stories about Tommy Heinsohn saying he wasn’t that great. Everyone has money now. You would have a better chance attracting a top free agent to a Celtics team that starts Carmelo Anthony next to the likes of Isaiah Thomas, Avery Bradley and Jae Crowder rather than a Celtics team with Brad Stevens, the third pick in a questionable Draft, and more lottery tickets waiting to disappoint in the future.

However, I don’t just want Melo. That’s a team that could be the third best in the East and potentially make it to a Game 7 in the second round. While the team needs someone who can shoot, they also need a defender in the paint. I think Amir did a tremendous job this season and I’d be happy to have him back after the Knicks presumably turn down his option. Kelly Olynyk has a role, he doesn’t always fill it but when he does it’s a valuable role to this or any other team. That role is not defending the paint. Jordan Mickey seems like a good guy. If he had stayed at LSU and played with Simmons it’s easy to believe he could’ve been a lottery pick in this Draft. So while I’d be pumped if he inherited all of Jared Sullinger’s minutes, I’m not willing to say that’s going to propel them to the Eastern Conference Finals.

I’m not sure Nerlens Noel is that piece either, however I’d be more than willing to find out. Nerlens went from surefire #1 overall pick to falling to the Sixers to having a historically dominant rookie season to being forced to play for the Sixers and having his soul presumably crushed. He didn’t have a great 2015-16 season, no one in Philly did as a matter of fact – that’s kinda why they’re picking first this year. And because they’re picking first, and because Dario Saric is finally joining the roster, and because Jahlil Okafor’s value is at its lowest point since he graduated high school, and because Joel Embiid is posting videos of him shooting hook shots against chairs and various 50-year old coaches in empty gyms, AND because the Colangelos mutiny of Sam Hinkie went over so swimmingly, I believe Danny Ainge will be able to acquire the player he attempted to procure during the 2015 Draft in Nerlens Noel.

The Sixers will take Simmons, he’ll start at the four next to Okafor. Saric will play at the three and four. Embiid wont play at all but they believe he will so where are the minutes for Nerlens? This is a guy who believes he should be starting and he’s right. The Sixers are in a weird place where they have too much talent at the same positions and, considering the year Noel just had, his value isn’t what it was during the ’15 Draft. I’d offer the Mavs pick. It gives the Sixers another piece in this Draft, they could take a guy like Wade Baldwin IV to play point. I’d be willing to give them back their second round pick as well, which is 31st overall.

If Philly wants any of the future Nets picks they can fuck themselves. Same goes for the Knicks. Both of these teams are still in our division and while I don’t view either as a threat I’m not looking to hand them the keys to the future. The Nets aren’t going to magically get better. The Draft classes are though. So while I’m disappointed Simmons or Ingram isn’t going to be a Celtic, there’s a way to make an immediate impact on this roster utilizing the picks they’ve been dealt.

Isaiah Thomas, Avery Bradley, Jae Crowder, Carmelo Anthony, Nerlens Noel. Marcus Smart coming off the bench. Shit Soufflé is now served.

The Best Possible, Most Realistic Outcome For The Celtics In The Lottery

Posted on May 17, 2016 by coleymick

I’ve been a Celtics fan all my life. Winning the lottery is something we don’t do. We don’t even win titles in the Coley Mick era – since I am but a precious little cherub who has only witnessed one (1) banner raised up into the rafters in my lifetime. Becoming conditioned to assume we’re going to lose the lottery is now my comfort zone and I don’t intend on leaving it until it’s necessary.

I still remember back in the stone age of 2007, my AAU coach calling his home from practice to find out if we had won the Kevin Durant sweepstakes. Following that phone call was a month of Jeff Green vs. Yi Jinlian debates. I’m still not over it. After watching Andrew Wiggins become Marcus Smart and Justise Winslow turn into Terry Rozier, I for sure have no designs on those jackass pingpong balls coming through in the clutch today, or next year, or the year after that.

However, even in this terrible draft, I still see a way for the Celtics to have their choice of the top two prospects even if they should land the fifth pick. How? Gross, widespread incompetence. The NBA has shit tons of incompetence. It’s like a self-sustaining natural resource at this point.

Sure, it would take a little luck on top of the boundless incompetence, but this is by far the most realistic scenario for the Celtics to land the best player in this class:

With the first pick, the New Orleans Pelicans select… JAKOB POELTL

The ‘Cans are in their own lane when it comes to incompetence. They were gifted Anthony Davis from the Gods above and have done everything in their power to assure that he pulls a Chris Paul and demands to be traded to LA in the not-to-distant future. What better way to keep up their streak of terrible decision making by making Poeltl the second Utah foreign big man taken first overall this century.

With the second pick, the Phoenix Suns select… JAMAL MURRAY

I, for one, am excited to watch the all Phoenix Wildcat combo guard lineup of Brandon Knight, Eric Bledsoe, Jamal Murray, Devin Booker and Archie Goodwin. I don’t have any jokes here. I genuinely believe Phoenix only knows how to draft Kentucky combo guards. Maybe they’ll snag Diamond Stone later in the Draft to pair him with their other Maryland center no one knows why they drafted. WHY IS YOUR MASCOT A GORILLA PHOENIX?! GORILLAS TANGIENTIALLY DON’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE SUN.

With the third pick, the Philadelphia 76ers select… KRIS DUNN

The 76ers fired Sam Hinkie and brought in the Colangelos which means they will for sure not be making smarter basketball decisions anytime soon. But with the Lakers falling outside the top three it means they get not one, but TWO chances to draft the wrong player entirely. And they accomplish that here by getting the point guard that they’ve deemed the “missing piece” since they shipped off Jrue for Nerlens.

With the fourth pick, the Philadelphia 76ers select… DRAGAN BENDER

The 76ers are about to get Dario Saric, yanno, maybe, so they’ll honestly feel naked without some Euro savior waiting in the wings to come rescue them from obscurity. Also with Bender comes an entirely new country to send Joel Embiid to workout in. It’s really the most optimal scenario for everyone involved.

And with the fifth pick in the 2016 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select… TYLER ULIS!

OH COME THE FUCK ON DANNY

Mick's Tape

Coley Mick

Author: coleymick