Hi I’m Chef Mick and welcome to this week’s episode of cooking with shit. Today we were given a hot shit sammich sent to us by the Ghost of David Stern and his sous-chef Dikembe Mutombo. Also a special thanks to pingpong balls for being ruthless pricks and not giving a fuck about you and your feelings.
The Celtics aren’t in a place to stay stagnant. While this regular season was enjoyable it ended with the first playoff win for the Hawks in Boston in my entire life. Granted, Avery Bradley got hurt in Game One and Jae Crowder was nowhere near 100% but losing to the Hawks is like losing to the Knicks. It’s unacceptable and I’m ready for it end immediately.
I’m of the belief that Brandon Ingram and Ben Simmons will be fine pros. I also believe neither the Sixers nor the Lakers are going to jump from the basement of the league to the playoffs due to their rookie campaigns. These guys are like 1/10th as NBA ready as Karl-Anthony Towns, Jr. and even he was sitting at the lottery with the rest of those terrible teams. The idea of acquiring one of these guys wasn’t to put the Celtics over the top in 2017, but rather to make them title contenders from 2019-2025. Which is still very much the plan for the remaining Nets picks, but we’ll get to that later.
The plan for this season is to get out of the first fucking round of the playoffs. This isn’t the time to stay stagnant. There are ways to improve the roster using the third overall pick and the 16th pick, courtesy of the Mavs, without actually drafting anyone in those positions.
This Draft stinks. It’s worse than the 2013 Draft because that Draft, even at the time, was known to have solid rotational players scattered throughout the first round. This year there are two perceived knowns, a couple of guys who could be solid starters for a long time and then a bunch of lottery tickets. The Celtics have three first round picks and I don’t imagine Ainge plans on using more than one of them come Draft night. Mostly because the roster doesn’t have space, but also mostly because the class stinks.
That’s the shit sandwich.
Luckily, the Knicks have a picnic basket overflowing with shit sammies and I plan on taking advantage of them. Now, this idea isn’t new – it’s just the first time it’s made sense from either team’s perspective. The Knicks don’t have a first round pick this year. I’ll give you a minute to collect yourself because I assume you’re in a state of shock. This Draft isn’t tremendous – from a Celtics fan’s point of view. However, the Knicks could benefit from adding a variety of players sitting behind Simmons and Ingram.
The Knicks have their franchise player in Kristaps Porzingis and they, believe it or not, have their first round pick in 2017. The 2017 Draft is loaded and the Knicks should do everything in their power to tank around Porzingis and look to pair him with a top five pick next season. That will be much easier to accomplish without Carmelo Anthony winning them an additional 10 games. Kris Dunn could be the D’Angelo Russell Knicks fans lusted for last year. Maybe Dragan Bender and Kristaps Porzingis are meant to be the European Twin Towers of the new millennium.
To make it work financially the Knicks would have to take on Amir Johnson and Jonas Jerebko, both of which can immediately be cut since Ainge signed them to contracts with team options built into them. Trade machine is telling me the Celtics had to add more money so James Young and RJ Hunter, best of luck. The Celtics add Melo and they don’t need him to play defense literally ever. He’s here to score. To say the Celtics need scoring is a massive understatement. They put up SEVEN points in a real life NBA playoff quarter of professional basketball. SEVEN.
Obviously Jimmy Butler is better than Carmelo Anthony today and moving forward. If Chicago wants the third pick for Jimmy Butler, that’s the trade you make. I can’t imagine why Chicago would want to do that which is why I’m focused on Carmelo. Chicago’s a year away from getting rid of Derrick Rose’s contract, and as inept of an organization they are I just don’t see them giving away Jimmy Buckets for a questionable at best third overall pick.
Melo’s contract doesn’t bother me since we’re not signing Kevin Durant. We were never signing Kevin Durant in the first place but the fact that the Thunder currently have the series lead over the Warriors in the WCF should put to rest the already ridiculous thought that he was ever bolting OKC for Boston We’re also not signing Al Horford – I think we had a chance until the Boston media thought it was a good idea to run 1,000 stories about Tommy Heinsohn saying he wasn’t that great. Everyone has money now. You would have a better chance attracting a top free agent to a Celtics team that starts Carmelo Anthony next to the likes of Isaiah Thomas, Avery Bradley and Jae Crowder rather than a Celtics team with Brad Stevens, the third pick in a questionable Draft, and more lottery tickets waiting to disappoint in the future.
However, I don’t just want Melo. That’s a team that could be the third best in the East and potentially make it to a Game 7 in the second round. While the team needs someone who can shoot, they also need a defender in the paint. I think Amir did a tremendous job this season and I’d be happy to have him back after the Knicks presumably turn down his option. Kelly Olynyk has a role, he doesn’t always fill it but when he does it’s a valuable role to this or any other team. That role is not defending the paint. Jordan Mickey seems like a good guy. If he had stayed at LSU and played with Simmons it’s easy to believe he could’ve been a lottery pick in this Draft. So while I’d be pumped if he inherited all of Jared Sullinger’s minutes, I’m not willing to say that’s going to propel them to the Eastern Conference Finals.
I’m not sure Nerlens Noel is that piece either, however I’d be more than willing to find out. Nerlens went from surefire #1 overall pick to falling to the Sixers to having a historically dominant rookie season to being forced to play for the Sixers and having his soul presumably crushed. He didn’t have a great 2015-16 season, no one in Philly did as a matter of fact – that’s kinda why they’re picking first this year. And because they’re picking first, and because Dario Saric is finally joining the roster, and because Jahlil Okafor’s value is at its lowest point since he graduated high school, and because Joel Embiid is posting videos of him shooting hook shots against chairs and various 50-year old coaches in empty gyms, AND because the Colangelos mutiny of Sam Hinkie went over so swimmingly, I believe Danny Ainge will be able to acquire the player he attempted to procure during the 2015 Draft in Nerlens Noel.
The Sixers will take Simmons, he’ll start at the four next to Okafor. Saric will play at the three and four. Embiid wont play at all but they believe he will so where are the minutes for Nerlens? This is a guy who believes he should be starting and he’s right. The Sixers are in a weird place where they have too much talent at the same positions and, considering the year Noel just had, his value isn’t what it was during the ’15 Draft. I’d offer the Mavs pick. It gives the Sixers another piece in this Draft, they could take a guy like Wade Baldwin IV to play point. I’d be willing to give them back their second round pick as well, which is 31st overall.
If Philly wants any of the future Nets picks they can fuck themselves. Same goes for the Knicks. Both of these teams are still in our division and while I don’t view either as a threat I’m not looking to hand them the keys to the future. The Nets aren’t going to magically get better. The Draft classes are though. So while I’m disappointed Simmons or Ingram isn’t going to be a Celtic, there’s a way to make an immediate impact on this roster utilizing the picks they’ve been dealt.
Isaiah Thomas, Avery Bradley, Jae Crowder, Carmelo Anthony, Nerlens Noel. Marcus Smart coming off the bench. Shit Soufflé is now served.
Mick's Tape 