Author: coleymick

Is Kevin Garnett Scared Shitless Of Spaghetti?

Posted on by coleymick

CiYL7oWWkAAT8kG

Twitter was relatively dry from the time the Thunder eliminated the Spurs until Jose Bautista became a human Mr. Krabs meme courtesy of Rougned Odor’s straight right. But Friday night, my pal @treyzingis tweeted out this screenshot from some website (probably reddit, I honestly have no idea) and the internet went wild. Naturally when you’re dealing with random, sketchily sourced info it means all of the contents are 100% accurate and should be treated as such. Yet the skeptics and the naysayers, the detractors and the doubters, have come to the aid of Kevin Jeremiah Garnett, claiming he is – in fact – a known pasta consumer.

Let’s deal with the absolute facts of this story before we try to discredit it. First of all, MJ has absolutely called KG “Bitch Ticket.” That’s happened on this planet, because MJ is the king of mind games. MJ definitely looks down on people who don’t have rings, too. People bashed MJ until he won and there’s a 0% chance he forgot about that. I’m sure if Jordan didn’t even look LeBron in the eyes until he won his first. And since MJ’s such a petty asshole, I’m inclined to believe he mailed pictures of Lady from “Lady and the Tramp” for the better part of 20 years. He probably only meant to do it a few times but never told his assistant to stop sending them and now KG can’t drive past an Olive Garden without getting triggered. Poor guy.

Another fact is KG’s unusually thin frame. Doesn’t seem like a guy who gets a lot of carbs on the daily if you ask me. I, for one, have never seen Kevin indulge in a delicious plate of pasta. Maybe you have, if you don’t have pictures I really don’t want to hear about it. Try walking into a court of law and telling a judge you’ve seen KG eat some lasagna without photographic evidence. See how far that gets you. Further than it will with me, bub. That’s all I know.

But, there is some evidence that this story just doesn’t add up. Like the fact that KG was not nicknamed “The Big Ticket” as a rookie. The fact that googling “Jake Cairns Kevin Garnett” only pulls up the Reddit thread (I figured it out guys, it was Reddit) that this very screenshot comes from. I think the only thing we can prove here is that Jake Cairns assumes the online persona of “pleasefeedthedino” on reddit dot com.

Then again, Kevin Garnett definitely has berated Joakim Noah in a variety of ways on multiple occasions. The more you read the more the truth and fiction become blurred. As far as this case goes only one thing remains confirmed: both Kevin Garnett and Michael Jordan are p rude in the grand scheme of things. As to whether or not KG hides under his couch any time a Ragu commercial comes on his television? The world may never know.

The Top Five “Systems” In NBA History

Posted on by coleymick

“Steph Curry, as good as he is, may be the NBA version of a system quarterback. If you take Michael Jordan away from the Bulls, they’re not winning a playoff series…. Just like a guy RG3 at Baylor…Curry’s a guy who can get off screens and cut and the basketball still flows in the offense no matter who’s out there… If (the Warriors) had McCollum (instead of Curry) they would Waltz to a title… If you take LeBron away from the Cavs they wouldn’t beat the Rockets in a series.” – Jason Smith, Fox Sports Radio

Screen Shot 2016-05-11 at 2.11.50 AM

I don’t know what a Jason Smith is other than he has a Guy Incognito faceass name. But in my heart of hearts I can’t help but tip my cap to a fire, correct take when I see one. Steph Curry – the only unanimous MVP in League history – missed a few games, the Warriors held water against the Rockets and a team no one predicted to get into the playoffs six months ago, and the next thing you know Steve Kerr is bringing Curry off the bench. Don’t be fooled, the media has much more sway that you’d imagine.

So, since we’ve now firmly established that Steph Curry is a system player, where does it rank among the pantheon of All Time NBA systems?

5. The Kobe System

The only system to have its own line of commercials. The Kobe system earned five titles, a league MVP and a first ballot trip to the Hall of Fame. The fundamental cog to the Kobe System was that it was always someone else’s fault. Shaq, Phil, Smush Parker, Pau, Bynum, Dwight Howard, the list goes on and on. It allowed Kobe to jack threes, stab people in the back, be heralded as the greatest player of his generation due to marketing and Tim Duncan being as electric as freshly processed cardboard. But the genius in the system was that before stabbing these people in the back, KB24 would ride their coattails to Championships upon Championships. Tough to hate on.

4. The Curry System

The Curry System has only existed for two years so this is as high as it can go, for now. The Curry System seems like some sort of cheating. Back in the ’80s, David Stern decided to draw two arcs on the court so that the free throw lines no longer looked like weird penises. He couldn’t outright say that, so he decided to make shots from back there worth three points instead of two. Curry and Steve Kerr have decided to manipulate this oft-forgotten rule to their advantage time and time again. NBA defenses simply have no conceivable answer to stopping shots from half court and hopefully Adam Silver will look to make changes this offseason. People forget that when Kareem was drafted the NBA made dunking illegal until Kareem was too old to jump anymore. So there is a precedent for changing the rules league wide just because one guy has a better system than everyone else. Did Kareem cry about it? Yeah, probably. But he also developed one of the most unstoppable moves in NBA history because of it. Maybe Curry would finally learn how to hit a mid-range jumper like a man if Silver got up from his desk and did something about these Micky Mouse antics coming from Golden State. Roger Goodell certainly would.

IMG_0160

3. The Triangle

Phil Jackson’s triangle was a brilliant system, truly. I have no idea why more people don’t try it. See the key here is to find a team with, oh, three of the top 20 players in the League and then win a shit ton of Championships with them. No idea why more teams don’t try this strategy, including the Knicks currently. The Knicks don’t have any of the top 20 players in the NBA. Not a one. They don’t even have a top 20 coach in the NBA. No idea why, at this stage in his career, Phil is turning his back on the triangle. It worked for so long in Chicago, then it worked two different times in Los Angeles. Put down the peyote and get back to your original roots, Phil.

2. The Michael Jordan System

Never sleep, constantly gamble, make everything you do on this planet a competition, fight your teammates, belittle your competition to the point where they need to seek out professional therapy, try a completely different sport for some reason, have a book of your own rules published, wait for Larry Bird and Magic Johnson to mysteriously leave the NBA with injuries no one has contracted before or since, tell people you were cut from your Varsity HS team when you were a freshman, wear acid wash jeans baggier than the finest pair of Girdbauds, become the most famous meme of all time, worsen your quality of sneakers while jacking up the price, and, most importantly, refuse to trade picks with Danny Ainge so that you can draft Frank Kaminsky.

1. The Red Auerbach/Bill Russell System

You could make the case that it was Russell’s system, since he won 11 of the Celtics’ 17 Championships as both a player and a player-coach. You could make the case that it was Red’s system, since Auerbach is credited with 16 of the 17 titles due to holding seats in various capacities with the team for over half a century. It’s more of a “chicken or the egg” system, really. If not for Red’s cheating – putting out the first all black starting five in league history – combined with Russell’s cheating – the inventor of the blocked shot as well as the subsequent fast break – whoever’s system it was just wouldn’t have worked without that synergy. It’s kinda like what Tom Brady and Bill Belichick have going on with deflating footballs and using white wide receivers. Why more teams across all sports don’t employ these tactics in this system? The world may never know.

Screen Shot 2016-04-18 at 11.57.11 PM

Canada Goes To War For The First Time In Canadian History

Posted on by coleymick

Ever since he intentionally snapped Rajon Rondo’s arm like a grizzly bear climbing a fig tree I haven’t been in the business of coming to the defense of Dwyane Wade. But somehow over the weekend, Americans not respecting Canada became headline news when Wade continued to shoot during the singing of “O Canada.”

Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 5.06.13 PM
This has sparked an international incident with our subservients to the North, as they found great disrespect in this heinous act. They’ve completely disregarded the fact that Raptors players were also warming up despite hearing “O Canada” nearly 100 times since October and have focused on casting stones by the hundreds upon Dwyane Wade. They refuse to even spell his name correctly, which is arguably the most disrespect shown by any side of this kerfuffle.

If I’m D-Wade I come out the next game in Toronto and fire half court bombs during the “O Canada” and weep like Knowshon Moreno during the “Star-Spangled Banner.” And I imagine they play “O Canada” last in Toronto which would make this deed wildly more disrespectful. This isn’t time to straddle the fence, this is time to pledge allegiance. Are you going to turn your back on a country that named an entire county in Miami after you? Or are you going to bend the knee to people who say things like, “Man touch 6 upside down it’s a 9 now TRUSSSS ME DADDI.”?

Wade’s already off to a good start of deflecting by saying it was just part of his pre-game routine, that he’s been doing it his entire career and that, “If anybody thinks I’m being disrespectful towards a country, then they have no idea of who Dwyane Wade is.” One of the better “Sorry not sorry” quotes we’ve heard come out of the NBA for some time. Wade couldn’t possibly care less about this and that’s about the level where anyone with a brain should be.

Also, quick shoutout the dude who took this zapruder film from the rafters. Way to disrespect the Canadian National Anthem by using your cell phone to snitch during the performance, you hypocritical idiot.

While I’m finishing this, Tony Kornheiser just yelled on television that this was a suspendible action. I’m shocked the guy who’s been saying “Good night, Canada” for 40 years took their side on this one. Michael Wilbon said it was worthy of a fine. Which is fair because I guess that’s technically the rule? You can pay to keep shooting around during the anthem, that’s how much the NBA rule book respects anthems of all sorts.

They went on to say that if a foreign player did this during our Anthem we’d invade their country. Which is 10000% correct. The rest of the world can’t go parading around, calling us scum every day of the week and then get outraged when we don’t respect them in return. That’s like going on a rollercoaster and complaining it went too high. Like doing molly and complaining it was cut with too much meth. Like being the little brother and crying to your mom after you get put in a headlock by your big brother.

This Offseason Is Going To Bring Out PEAK Lakers Fans Takes And I’m Here For It

Posted on by coleymick

IMG_9933

If you’ve ever read anything I’ve written on the internet, you know me as a lifelong, diehard Celtics fan. If this is the first time you’re ever reading something of mine, like, what the fuck, bro? Better late than never I guess? Whatever.

Being a Celtics fan comes with the territory of hating the Lakers beyond a reasonable comprehension. It’s in my blood and I truly, deeply enjoy basking in every failure they’ve ever had. I lapped up the entire Dwight Howard saga like a dehydrated camel in the desert stumbling upon a refreshing oasis. 81 out of Kobe’s 82 final games were absolutely glorious, I’m still emotionally high off the strength of that jagged-faced doberman getting TF out of the NBA for the rest of my miserable life. But no matter how much I hate the Los Angeles Lakers, no matter how hard I try, I’ve just never been able to hate their fans.

The Lakers are the only team in sports that have a stronger fan base outside of their own city. Sure, no matter where you live you’ll be able to find Cowboys and Yankees fans but at the end of the day those teams have legions of true diehards in their own backyard. Miami Heat fans were given tons of shit during Lebron’s tenure in South Beach, but they weren’t consistently leaving in the third quarter of playoff games like we’ve seen with LA crowds since the Showtime days. Shit, there are more die hard Lakers fans in Massachusetts than there are in LA.

IMG_9968

Which always struck me as weird since Lakers fans: young, old, black, white, male, female, dog, cat, etc., are all fucking insane. They are truly a creation of Hollywood in the sense that they believe they can just throw around their location and millions of dollars to acquire any player in the League, no matter what actual assets they have, no matter what their cap situation is, none of realities minor inconveniences matter. Don’t believe me? Search the #FutureLaker hashtag and you’ll find every NBA player and every top prospect ever to lace up a pair of Nikes. It’s a type of lunacy that you can’t do anything but tip your cap and respect it.

And this summer is going to be P E A K Lakers fans. That Kobe money is finally off the books AND the salary cap is going up?! Dear Lord. Durant is a free agent. Carmelo wants to be traded. Jimmy Butler can’t stand Derrick Rose’s face. The Warriors are fine without Steph Curry, might as well trade for him to be the sixth man. Paul George just lost to the Raptors in the playoffs, that has literally never happened to the Lakers. Karl-Anthony Towns is probably itching to carry the torch of Kareem and Shaq in purple and gold. Ben Simmons AND Brandon Ingram are going to be riding the pine as trade assets to eventually bring in Anthony Davis when he finally gets healthy. Did you know that as a coach Luke Walton has never lost a game? Never even considered it. He’s essentially a better Phil Jackson when you really sit down and think about it.

This is your time to shine, Lakers fans. I couldn’t be more excited for the #takes these next few months are about to bestow upon us. I know you wont let the rest of us down.

ben-simmons-lakers-ftr-2-jpg_xkbsfw0kit6o13c0klpvvrarm

Build Dion Waiters A Fucking Statue

Posted on by coleymick

Screen Shot 2016-05-03 at 1.15.00 AM

Screen Shot 2016-05-03 at 1.12.22 AM

When it comes to Dion Waiters, I’ve uttered the phrase, “I’ve never seen that before,” literally hundreds of times. We all have. I can’t, however, recall a time it was for a positive thing he contribute to his own team. Until now.

After the game: Manu, Shaq, Chuck, Kenny, Ernie and thousands of others who have watched hundreds of thousands of hours of basketball were bewildered as they all admitted they had never seen anything like this. The best was Billy Donovan, claiming he also had never seen anything like it – including the actual play itself.

Donovan was apparently watching the “Captain America: Civil War” leak when the most important possession of his NBA coaching tenure was going down. Classic mick move to bury the truth DEEP inside of you even when the facts are screaming in your face. Tough not to respect. You spend that much time in Providence with Rick Pitino you’ve seen enough shit to clamp your mouth closed for an eternity. Never mind whatever he witnessed in Florida while Aaron Hernandez was mulling over his career path.

But back to Dion. Dion “DWade 2.0” Waiters has had a rocky career to say the least. But that’s according to us. Dion is insulted by the Wade comparisons because in his mind, Wade is 1/100th the player. Sure, Wade has three rings, millions in endorsements, didn’t come off the bench in college or the pros and is married to Gabriel Union. But he’s no Dion. Let’s really break down how genius of a play this was from a player who had exactly zero business making this pass to begin with:

  1. The ref hands Waiters the ball and Manu is immediately smothering him. Dion surveys the court as exactly ZERO of his fuckface teammates get open. Not a one. The Thunder are out of timeouts. Whether or not Dion even knows that is beside the point.
  2. Dion, internally: “Yo this bald dude is legit ON TOP of me. WTF you can’t step over the line like that bruh. Oh you’re gonna swipe at me? YA TOO CLOSE, MON. Enjoy a swift elbow to the sternum, fuccboi. Fuck, it’s definitely been close to five seconds I gotta throw this shit in. Kevin’s tall, he can deal with this.”
  3. This is where Dion’s genius shows. The Spurs are a well-oiled machine. They thrive off structure, as opposed to the Warriors who go from “historically great” within structure to “HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE THAT THEY SCORED THERE?!?” amidst chaos. Not saying the Spurs can’t handle chaos, they have plenty of times before, but it’s like the Patriots any of the times the Giants have beaten them since 2008. Some wacky shit goes down, the Earth’s magnetic poles momentarily switch, hamburgers eat people, and the best team of the past 20 years shits themselves with a win on a platter.
  4. IT’S FUCKING LIT FAM! Danny Green makes minor contact with Durant, I don’t think it was a foul but the Spurs end up with the ball. Danny Green proceeds to make a pass that reminds you why the Cavs waived him in the first place. Manu does a good job of A) Somehow even being in the middle of the play and B) Getting the rock to a WIDE OPEN Patty Mills after drawing two defenders away from the corner. I can’t remember Patty Mills taking a worse shot in his professional career. I’m sure it’s happened but he somehow launched a wide open three that only hit the bottom of the backboard. Kawhi and LMA are under the hoop, along with the entire Thunder team sans Steven Adams, and it’s a full on donnybrook. Serge is scratching and clawing. Westbrook is ready to shiv anyone and everyone. And there’s Dion, watching his master plan unfold, hoisting his arms in glorious victory as the buzzer sounds.

And just like that, the Thunder became the second road team to win in San Antonio since October. Should a tech have been called on Manu? Absolutely not. The rules state it’s a tech, and it’s called correctly exactly never.

Dwyane Wade did this shit last week fam. That one, lowly RT you see that gem of an observation reap happened AFTER #WaitersGate went down. Because absolutely no one throughout the course of human history has ever given a fuck if the inbounder can’t get the ball in. That’s your problem, my guy. It happens every game, it will continue to happen every game, it might get called the rest of these playoffs because of this incident, and then we’ll never hear from this rule again.

FullSizeRender 86

But how this ref

IMG_9912

This fucking guy right here, missed Waiters straight up PUSH Manu away? I have no idea. It’s two feet from his face. It’s like 30-feet from this dudes face and he saw it and reacted worse than Bruce Wayne watching his parents get slaughtered.

FullSizeRender 87

And yet, the Spurs still had a shot, after playing from behind from the opening whistle. Easy to blame the refs, which you should since they fucked up at least eight different things over a 14-second span. But they didn’t force the Spurs to start the game down 17-4. They didn’t make Danny Green attempt to pass it into the stands. The refs surely didn’t tell Patty to crap his pants, either. None of that.

The Spurs lost at the hands of none other than Dion Waiters. His heroic final stat line: 24 minutes played, 1/5 from the field (1/2 from three), zero free throws, one rebound, zero assists, zero steals, zero blocks, four fouls and TWO turnovers – including the first ever Game Winning Turnover in NBA History.

We’ve never seen that before. Might never see it again. Build Dion Waiters a fucking statue.

PS – Speaking of things we’ll probably never see again: the woman who decided to grab Steven Adams during the final play? What was the plan here, pal? You gonna fight the 7-foot Kiwi? The man who grew up in a home with 16 other brothers and sisters? Best of luck with that.