As I painstakingly wait to be seen in the Emergency Room for a litany of ailments, I figured I’d burn some time to break down the flurry of rumors currently surrounding the Boston Celtics. 

According to sources ranging from highly regarded writers like Howard Beck, to little 86 follower motherfuckers on Twitter, the Celtics are on the precipice of completing mutliple major trades that will surely reshape the landscape of the NBA now and forever. 

Are any of these trades going to happen? Lol, of course not. If you’ve been following the NBA at all over the past decade then you should know by now that the best way to garner page views, podcast listens and retweets is to conjure up the most wild trade rumor you can possibly fathom and then attach Danny Ainge’s name to it. 

According to the internet (and only the internet), Danny Ainge has been mere seconds away from acquiring: James Harden, Kevin Love, DeMarcus Cousins, Chris Paul, Jimmy Butler, Justise Winslow, Jahlil Okafor, Nerlens Noel, Anthony Davis, Russell Westbrook, Paul George, Blake Griffin, Greg Monroe, Khris Middleton, Jabari Parker, Steph Curry and Danilo Gallinari over the past four years alone. Don’t even get me started on the Allen Iverson trade rumors of the mid-2000s. You want page views? Throw Trade Danny and his treasure trove of assets in the mix and you’re sure to be an NBA Insider by the end of the hour. 

Somehow not a single one of these rumors has come to fruition. It must be Ainge’s stubbornness. He often gets blamed for “over-valuing his assets” or “getting trigger shy at the last second” so that these chucklefucks can keep up their guise as insiders as opposed to admitting they were making shit up all along, thereby losing their audience’s trust forever. You can’t have that, so might as well blame the guy who would get fined by the NBA for even addressing this garbage. 

It’s brilliant in a way. A nearly victimless crime, unless you’re Jaylen Brown – a promising 19-year old who fulfilled his dream by being selected third overall in the NBA Draft, only to be welcomed by a cacophony of boos by Celtics fans because his name wasn’t Jimmy Butler (a player NBA writers had led gullible Celtics fans to believe was minutes away from moving from Chicago to Boston for the low price of Kris Dunn and spare parts.) 

In the past 24-hours, Russell Westbrook and Blake Griffin have had their images photoshopped into Celtics jerseys from sites as large as Bleacher Report to those little 26-follower accounts who don’t require more than the slightest nudge to buy into the hype machine. 

On the surface these trades are semi-logical. The Celtics do have assets, both players are in less-than-desirable situations with expiring contracts, and the East is hypothetically “for the taking.” Why wouldn’t Ainge make these moves? Why not trade his bad players and useless assets for top 10 players? What is he, an idiot? Make the moves already, Danny!

Except, Ainge hasn’t had even the most preliminary of discussions about acquiring these players, at least according to Steve Bulpett of the Boston Herald.

Could the Celtics trade for Griffin, or Westbrook, or Cousins, or some other great player? For sure. If he doesn’t? Oh well. As currently constructed the Celtics are just as strong a bet as anyone to make the Eastern Conference Finals and lose to the Cavaliers. Maybe LeBron gets hit by a truck as he haphazardly crosses the street and all of a sudden they find themselves in the Finals where they can lose to the Warriors, which would also be dope, especially considering this team is three seasons removed from winning 25 games or whatever embarrassing number it was.

There are 29 other GMs in the NBA who would kill to be in Ainge’s position. A young, competitive core that can actually go out and attempt to win games while another incompetent franchise tanks on their behalf. Why people believe the Celtics need to make desperation moves this summer is beyond my grasp of comprehension. They just drafted a 19-year old who, a year ago, was regarded by most as the second best high school prospect in the country. 

Sure, they signed Al Horford, a move that makes them better in the here and now more so than five years from now. That’s if you want to look at it in a vaccuum. Outside of that vaccuum, Horford was the first major free agent to elect under his own volition to sign in Boston in my 26+ years of living. With the next two Drafts exponentially stronger than this past class, and the next two summers of free agency considerably deeper than this current one, Ainge has now shown the ability to acquire top level talent outside of a trade. The Celtics are in a better position to outright sign Blake Griffin or Russell Westbrook next summer now than they were two weeks ago. They, FOR SURE, wont be as inclined to commit to an organization that is constantly amidst roster turnover (looking at you, Orlando). 

If Ainge can acquire a top flight player before they hit free agency, he should, and he would. There’s been no legitimate history of Ainge being too scared to make a deal, why he would change now is another line of logic that beyond comprehension. 

And as always, if it doesn’t come from Woj, don’t pay it any mind. That’s the mantra the rest of the summer, for the rest of the season, and for the rest of eternity.